[ Follow Ups ] [ Post Followup ] [ TAS BirdBoard ] [ FAQ ]
Posted by jnrosenthal on 14:47:34 03/14/07
Now that "The Bird" has made a local stir outside the birding community courtesy of the front page of the Miami Herald(http://www.miamiherald.com/569/story/40903.html), national attention will no doubt shortly follow as the AP newswires distibute this story to the mainstream media("MSM"). This will only further inflame rumors about the bird, its origins and its agenda here in the United States. Accordingly, I have consulted many knowledgeable(albeit necessarily anonymous) sources within the Government and in and out of the birding community, and have put together the following FAQs to address the issues and rumors surrounding The Bird's current visit("The Florida Tour").
Q. I haven't seen The Bird yet, and with all this attention, will I get a chance?
A. Reports have already surfaced that many more people have claimed to see The Bird than can fit in the Ft Zachary Taylor parking lot during any continuous 10 day period. This is not an uncommon phenomenon, as for example more than 10 million people claim to have been at the Beatles' Shea Stadium concert in 1965, despite a seating capacity there of no more than 60,000. In order to avoid a similar situation, and the consequent ridicule of birders(who are famous for the accuracy of their observations and absence of exaggeration) The Bird has made special arrangement with the government via TSA("Thousands Standing Around") to identify and limit all putative observers at the Fort. Arrangements are underway to install a security checkpoint at the entrance to the Fort so that all observers will be treated with the same organization,dignity and efficiency presently available at our nation's airports. All cleared observers(same carry-in as carry-on rules as at the airport) will receive a certificate, suitable for framing, for the nominal fee of 50 cents, attesting to the observers' presence at the Fort during the Florida Tour. It will contain a reproduction of a drawing of The Bird(to be selected from a competition among second graders at Key West Elementary School), a replica imprint of The Bird's left foot, and the signature of the Florida State Parks Director.
Q. But I have already been to see The Bird. How do I get my certificate?
A. No problem. Simply send in to the Park Director(label your envelope "The Bird") proof of your visit and observation. This should consist of notarized and triple witnessed affidavits of at least two strangers who observed you there, copies of your field notes, copies of their field notes observing you observing The Bird, and clear ,irrefutable pictures or video of you observing The Bird. Be sure that both you and The Bird appear in the same frame. Include your 50 cent fee and $5 for postage and handling and your certificate will be mailed just as soon as the State Committee authenticates your sighting.
Q. I read in the Herald that The Bird may be in danger from hawks.Is this true?
A. No, Republican policy makers rarely visit Key West, and the vice-president is reported to have sent a team of crack secret service shotgunners to shoot down any threatening predators, and to keep unruly crowds under control.
Q. Why is The Bird here now?
A. That's been a hard one to track down. Some suggest that The Bird was commissioned by unamed government officials to provide a press distraction from imminent news of further global warming disasters, or from the ongoing market collapse. Our sources, however, indicate that this visit may well be preparation for a National Tour.
Q. If I visit, but don't get a photo, will I be able to get a souvenir?
A. You bet. Courtesy of an exclusive arrangement with The William Morris Agency and NBC(conflict with the peacock waived), there will shortly be available on site photos of the Bird(unsigned $5, signed $10, with a personal inscription $20), and T shirts bearing a photo of the bird(semi-nude) on the front, and the inscription "My Grandparents drove 2 days to Key West to see some Freakin Bird and all I got was this T shirt!" on the back($25, xxl $5 extra)
Q. Where is The Bird from?
A. Rumors are rampant that the Bird is from Cuba, and may be a Castro agent, or double agent/mole. For national security reasons(see USA v.Lewis"Scooter" Libby)we cannot reveal The bird's true identity or occupation. We can however reveal that The Bird was seen checking into a Kew West guesthouse under the name John Smith, but the first name on its luggage tags was "Che". In order to avoid drawing further attention to its presence, it was reputedly disguised(in drag) as a much more commonly reported American bird, the ivory billed woodpecker.
Q. If it's from Cuba, isn't there an immigration issue?
A. Not really. Key West is still considered part of the United States, and since The Bird made it to land without being turned back, he will be paroled into the custody of relatives here. Nevertheless immigration counsel has been retained, with fees allegedly being bankrolled by anonymous donors.Ellis Rubin and Johnny Cochoran were unavailable for comment.
Q. What's next for The Bird?
A. Well, as indicated above, a National Tour is in the offing. Planned stops include Las Vegas, LA and Ithaca, New York so far. Additionally The Bird plans to release 2 vocalization cds(with a 15% discount to Audubon members): a two cd set of select arias from Wagner's Ring cycle, and a single cd (with Gloria Estefan singing backup)doing the best of Frank Sinatra.A fan club is also planned, with a website(www.OneBornEveryMinute.com), and negotiations are reputedly underway with the Key West Chamber of Commerce for a repeat visit(Florida Tour II) during the off season, so local hoteliers can jack up prices to unconscionable levels for the thousands of visitors who missed The Bird on this Tour.
Q. Are there any other reasons to visit Key West?
A. No.
[ Follow Ups ] [ Post Followup ] [ TAS BirdBoard ] [ FAQ ]